Men who are confident around beautiful women share one thing in common.
No, it’s not good looks. It’s not material wealth.
It’s something that never gets talked about.
Men who are confident around beautiful women have a growth mindset.
Conversely, men who are unable to get dates with women have a static mindset.
What Is A Static Mindset?
A static mindset is the belief that failure is a reflection of who you are as a person.
If a man with a static mindset were to ask his crush out on a date, but she rejected him, he’d think things like:
- “She rejected me because I’m too short.”
- “She rejected me because I’m an introvert.”
- “She rejected me because I am (Indian/Asian/White/Black/Etc.)”
By explaining your rejection in this way, you’re telling yourself women don’t like you because of static traits that you cannot change.
As soon as you believe women don’t like you because of something outside of you control (like your height), you’ve given yourself a reason to stop trying to attract women.
A guy with a static mindset might see a beautiful girl walking down the street, but he’ll think, “Eh, she won’t like me because I’m too short.” Naturally, he won’t approach her.
Once you adopt a static mindset about your attractiveness to women, your dating life will become a self-fulfilling prophecy:
You believe that women will reject you if you ask them out, so you don’t bother asking any attractive women out. Ultimately, you get rejected not because women aren’t attracted to you, but because of your limiting beliefs.
I know all about what it means to believe you are unattractive to women. I used to have a static mindset. I thought that something was “wrong” with my personality and that women didn’t see me as a sexually viable option.
And because I was fundamentally unattractive to women, I never asked a single girl out in high school or even in my first several years of college.
Looking back, women flirted with me, sometimes blatantly. But I was blind to it because I had a static mindset.
Once, I was at a new year’s party with my high-school crush and she leaned in to kiss me. I was shocked. But instead of acting like a normal person, I literally dodged her kiss, and without saying a word, ran away from her and left the party. I kid you not.
I thought this girl was leaning in to kiss me as a prank. I didn’t think it was possible that she actually liked me. So, to avoid getting rejected by her, I rejected myself.
Throughout my life, I’ve rejected myself hundreds of times. And the sad truth is, most guys miss countless opportunities with women because of they assume they’ll get rejected.
Identifying A Static Mindset
This all begs the question, how do you know if you have a static mindset with women?
To know, all you have to do is answer one simple question honestly:
Am I getting rejected by women on a regular basis?
Unless you’re gay or are in a committed relationship, you should be getting rejected by women regularly.
Obviously, sexual relationships are one of the most important parts of your life. So, if you’re not actively pursuing sexual relationships, you must believe (consciously or subconsciously) that you would fail if you were to approach women and ask them out.
If you believed you could approach women and start getting dates with high quality girls, you would do it.
Now, you might be thinking, “You can actively pursue sexual relationships without getting rejected regularly.”
Look at it this way: If you have a crush on a girl, but you haven’t made it clear to that you’re interested in her, then some belief about yourself must be holding you back from taking the leap. That belief might be that she only sees you as a friend, that she only likes tall guys or rich guys, or whatever, but some belief is telling you that to ask her out would be a mistake.
If you want to be confident with beautiful women you must replace your static beliefs with more empowering beliefs.
The Power Of A Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is the belief that failure is a learning experience. If a man with a growth mindset were to get rejected by a girl, he would think things like:
- “She probably rejected me because I was too nervous, I need to keep meeting women until I get more confident.”
- “She probably rejected me because I did or said something that turned her off. I should look up advice about how to attract women so I can do better in the future.”
- “She might have rejected me because I’m not her type, but that’s okay, there’s thousands of other great women I can meet. Besides, each time I get rejected, I become less afraid of rejection.”
Having a growth mindset doesn’t mean you believe that every girl will like you. It means you embrace rejection, because you know that it’s a stepping stone towards success.
The great majority of men who lack confidence around beautiful women don’t actually get rejected by attractive women.
The men who are confident around beautiful women have all been rejected by attractive women, countless times.
You might see a friend of yours with a beautiful girlfriend and think that he has it easy, that women just throw themselves at him. But I can guarantee he has been rejected by women time and again. He was just able to embrace those rejections and grow from them.
I understand this might be hard to believe. The idea that your own mindset is the root cause of your success (or lack of success) in dating is a tough pill to swallow.
It’s easy to think that the guys who are good with women are just better looking or wealthier than you. But the harsh truth is that no matter who you are, you could be dating top-quality girls if you put yourself out there and learned from your mistakes.
I’m not saying it’s easy, but anyone can become confident with women.
(PS: Here’s a compilation of the dating coach James Tusk getting rejected by women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCM-8t8FULY. As you can see, he’s a very good looking guy, but even he gets rejected on a daily basis. Of course, he also dates beautiful women because he puts himself out there so much.)
Let’s be 100% clear. Having a growth mindset doesn’t mean you believe that looks don’t matter or that it’s not an advantage to be rich and famous. Of course looks matter. Of course being famous makes things easier.
Having a growth mindset means you believe you can get the results you want. It doesn’t mean you believe it will be easy to do so. Sure, if you’re short and bald, a higher percentage of women are going to reject you than if you’re tall and handsome.
But a man with a growth mindset believes he can overcome his disadvantages. He knows that he can become so confident that he can attract women despite his appearance. He knows that he can improve his personality to make women respond to him the way he wants them to.
He doesn’t think he can get every single girl, but he knows that he can date some beautiful women if he puts himself out there and grows from his failures and successes.
How To Cultivate A Growth Mindset
So, how do you transform a static mindset into a growth mindset?
There’s only one way, it worked for me and I’ve seen it work for many other guys:
This might mean approaching girls at bars and clubs. It might mean approaching girls on your university campus. Or it might mean asking girls out on online dating apps.
There’s pros and cons to each method, but if you’re not doing something that actively risks rejection, you’re not actually taking action.
Hanging out with a girl you’ve had a crush on for three months isn’t taking action unless you ask her out on a date. Going to a party with your coworkers isn’t taking action unless you approach women and ask for their number.
I’m hammering this point in so hard because as a dating coach, I’ve had hundreds of guys reach out to me and tell me they want to improve their dating life. I ask these guys, “When is the last time you asked a girl on a date.”
Nine times out of ten, they say it’s been months. I’ve seen the same pattern play out with my friends. A guy will complain that he can’t get any dates, but he hasn’t asked a girl on a date in months!
Fortunately, when you start throwing out there and asking girls out, some women will respond positively. You’ll see that some girls do like you. You’ll see that some girls are happy to give you there or number or to even go on a date with you.
Most girls won’t respond that way, but some will. And as you start getting positive reactions your mindset will shift. You’ll realize that yes, many women will reject you, but not all of them will. And you’ll realize that if you meet enough women, you’ll be able to find whatever kind of relationship it is you want.
This is easier than done. But if the strategy you’ve used up to this point hasn’t gotten the results you want, so what do you have to lose by trying something different?
I mean, your ego might get bruised from facing rejection. You’ll have to deal with the stress and anxiety that come with approaching women. But what’s worse, enduring some rejections and anxiety, or not being able to attract the kind of women you want in your life?
I know what I would answer.
The moment that you accept the fact that you can succeed with women if you take enough action is the moment that you change the course of your life. That’s the moment when you start on a path towards confidence and dating success.
This article originally appears on: https://redpilltheory.com/2018/09/07/how-to-be-confident-with-women/
Why the new website?
My choice of website name “Red Pill Theory” coincidentally bears resemblance to the online “Red Pill Community,” and although I write about similar topics to that community, I do not want it to seem that I am an official voice of “The Red Pill.”
For more of my thoughts about the Red Pill Community, see this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc7ac2rApAI