She’s the most beautiful girl you’ve seen in weeks: long flowing hair, a shapely figure, and the face of an angel. As she walks by, every cell in your body wants you to approach her. But you can’t. Your brain is on overdrive (thinking of all the things that could go wrong). So, you freeze up, and this beauty leaves your life quickly as she entered it.
We’ve all been in the above situation – these are the moments that make us search, “How to pick up women,” on Google. We hope that if we learn the right strategies, the next time a perfect 10 enters our life, we’ll be able to date her. That’s the fantasy of cold approach at least, the reality is a different story.
Even a ‘master pick up artist’ doesn’t sleep with every stunning girl he sees. 9 times out of 10, the beautiful women he approaches reject him.
Unfortunately, pickup artists rarely talk about the harsh truths of cold approach pickup. Reality doesn’t sell, fantasy does. That’s why when you see infield videos on Youtube, you’re basically seeing a ‘highlight reel’ of his best approaches (the many rejections are cut out).
If you want to succeed with women, you must understand the obstacles you will (inevitably) face. Yes, you can sleep with 9’s and 10’s, yes you can have an incredible amount of fun approaching women, and yes, attracting women is a skill that anyone can learn.
However, to date 9’s and 10’s, you’re going to have to wade through a lot of shit. You’re going to have to endure countless rejections, your ego is going to get stomped on (repeatedly), and you’re going to have to get comfortable with discomfort.
In this article, you’re going to learn the 3 harsh truths of cold approach pickup. By learning the challenges you’re going to face, you will be much more likely to overcome those challenges and, ultimately, get the exciting dating life you want.
Most Guys Who Try to Learn Pickup Fail
Research has shown that 92% of people who get a gym membership fail to get in better shape. 90% of businesses fail in the first year. And, similarly, the vast majority of guys who learn about cold approach pickup don’t end up sleeping with beautiful women.
Failure is the norm: success stories are outliers.
Just like buying a gym membership doesn’t guarantee you’ll get ripped, reading a pickup book an doesn’t guarantee you’re going to become a modern Don Juan.
Why do most guys who try to learn pickup fail? There are a 2 primary reasons
A. They Don’t Take Enough Action
If you want to date the highest quality women, you’re going to have to take more action in a year than most guys will in their entire life. If you’re serious about getting results, you should go out and meet new women every week. And when you’re out, at least 80% of that time should be spent interacting with women (as opposed to looking at your phone).
Going out once every couple months isn’t enough. Approaching 3 women on a night out isn’t enough. If you want results you’ll have to take considerable, consistent action – just like any other skill.
Would you expect to become a skilled guitarist if you practiced once a month? No. Would you expect to get ripped if you spent 80% of your time at the gym staring at weights from afar? No.
If you want substantially better results than most men get, you’re going to have to take substantially more action.
To be fair, if all you want from pickup is a decent girlfriend, then you might be able to go out a few times, approach a few women, and get into a relationship with one of them. But that girl isn’t going to be exceptional.
if you want women who are out of your league, you must be prepared to push yourself much further than most guys ever will.
B. They Don’t Learn from Their Mistakes
I knew a guy who went out to meet women every day for an entire year. He approached at least 20 women per day. Despite this, he didn’t get laid a single time in that whole year.
One night, I went out with this guy and watched him approach girls. It quickly became obvious why he wasn’t getting results: he was so quiet that the women he approached couldn’t hear what he was saying. He wasn’t even getting the attention of these women, of course he wasn’t sleeping with them.
If you want to get better with women, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself. You must actively look for the mistakes you’re making.
It’s easy to notice the mistakes other people make, but it’s hard to catch our own mistakes; it’s much easier to make excuses than it is to take responsibility:
It’s much easier to tell yourself, “I’m not getting girls because I’m Indian,” than it is to tell yourself, “I’m not getting girls because the only women I interact with are in online chatroom.”
It’s much easier to tell yourself, “Every girl rejected me last night because I’m ugly,” than it is to tell yourself, “Every girl rejected me last night because I was boring and awkward.”
We instinctively tell ourselves stories that make us comfortable. You do it, I do it. It’s hard to question these stories, but as soon as you doubt them, you become empowered to make a real change.
Yes, factors outside your immediate control affect your dating life (looks, money, status), but as seductive as it is to tell yourself you’re not getting results because of external factors, the secret to success is to improve those things that are under your control.
You can blame your looks when you’re approaching 50 women a night and you’ve developed your personality to the point where your charisma is a 10/10. You can blame your ethnicity when you’ve spent 5 thousand hours approaching women and you still have nothing to show for it.
But that won’t happen. It never does. When someone looks for the mistakes they’re making (e.g. “I’m not approaching enough.” “I’m not leading interactions forward enough.” “I’m not making strong eye-contact.”) and they take action to correct those mistakes, they inevitably improve their results.
About half the women you approach will have boyfriends. Many women you approach just won’t find you attractive. Some women are in a bad mood when you approach. Fact is, even if you do everything perfectly, the majority of women you approach won’t sleep with you.
On a really good night, I can pull about one out of every ten attractive women I approach. On an average night, it’s more like 1 in 20.
Some of these women rejected me because I did something wrong. But most of them were going to reject me no matter what I did or said. If I were willing to sleep with less attractive girls (6s/7s), my ratio would go up quite a bit (but I’d also be selling myself short).
I haven’t met a guy who sleeps with most of the women he approaches – that guy probably doesn’t exist (unless you count A-list celebrities). It might sound shitty that 95% of the women I approach reject me, but it also means that if I do 20 approaches in a night, chances are I’ll end up bringing a very attractive girl home.
If you see rejections as something you should avoid, you’re not going to get better with women. The only way to succeed at pickup is to lean into rejection, to face it so often that it no longer affects you (this article gives you a step-by-step strategy for becoming numb to rejection).
Most women you approach won’t sleep with you. But you’re not going to remember your rejections, you’re going to remember the incredible experiences you had with beautiful, captivating women.
Your Emotions Aren’t on Your Side
If you only do what feels good in the moment, you’re not going to grow. Comfort and growth are opposites. If you want to grow, you must give up momentary comfort. Every action that leads towards success with women requires you to go against your emotions.
For example, when I see a beautiful woman, I still experience approach anxiety. Although I’m interested in this girl, my emotions are trying to hold me back. My heart beats fast, I starts sweating, and I feel like something bad will happen if he walks up to this girl.
I might experience approach anxiety, but I don’t let it control me. I know that to reach my goal, I must go against my emotions. I know that I can’t control how I feel, but I can control how I react to my feelings. Just because I feel like I can’t approach a beautiful girl, doesn’t mean I actually can’t do it: I can always move one foot in front of the other and start talking to her.
And, once I act against my emotions, my emotions stop fighting me – the momentum shifts. Each approach becomes easier than the last. Until eventually, approaching women becomes effortless.
Your emotions want you to avoid doing anything that might risk rejection. The only way to change this is to get rejected (repeatedly) so that your brain realizes that nothing bad happens when you do take a risk.
The only way to improve at pickup is to accept the reality that, oftentimes, your emotions aren’t on your team. Fortunately, your emotions can only control you if you let them. It’s up to you to decide whether you want your feelings to determine your fate, or if you want to create your own fate by facing negative emotions head on.
This doesn’t just apply to approaching a woman, it applies to all areas of pickup:
- Asking a girl for her number.
- Leaning in to kiss a woman.
- Going out when you have a busy schedule.
- Inviting a girl to your place.
Each of these actions will be uncomfortable (especially the first few times you do them), but if you can persist through your negative feelings, you can both have an amazing dating life, and become incredibly confident in yourself.
As soon as you think you should only do what feels good right now, you’ve already lost. However, when it comes to attracting women, if you’re willing to eat shit for a year, you’ll be able to eat caviar for the rest of your life.
Conclusion: Three Harsh Truths About Cold Approach Pickup
If you expect picking up women to be easy, you’re going to end up disappointed and frustrated. That frustration is likely to lead you to give up before you get anywhere close to the results you want. However, if you accept the reality that pickup is hard and messy and awkward, you’ll have a much higher chance of succeeding.
Accepting that you will have to make sacrifices is the first step towards success. The people who achieve their goals are those who understand pain is an unavoidable step towards greater happiness.
The moment you decide you are willing face short term pain for a long-term gain, is the moment that you’ve started on the path towards success.
This article originally appears on: https://redpilltheory.com/2018/08/13/three-harsh-truths-about-cold-approach-pickup/
Why the new website?
My choice of website name “Red Pill Theory” coincidentally bears resemblance to the online “Red Pill Community,” and although I write about similar topics to that community, I do not want it to seem that I am an official voice of “The Red Pill.”
For more of my thoughts about the Red Pill Community, see this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc7ac2rApAI